A Short Story of an Ordinary Miracle

The walls in my bedroom are blue to simulate this environment.
The walls in my bedroom are blue to simulate this environment.

Yesterday, I suddenly needed a new sheet for my bed. I just wanted to replace the sheet with the same thing because mine got a hole in it. So we went to the store, and those sheets were on sale! YAY!

They had every single sheet but the one I needed. The color that matched in my size of bed. Boooooo.

I was having that kind of day. (If I didn’t know better, I would have thought Mercury was retrograde.) All sorts of shit was blowing up and acting weird. I was pretty disappointed. There were 2 alternate colors I could get that would kind of coordinate, but not MATCH. I vacillated. I couldn’t decide. My son helped me decide to get the robin’s egg blue, which actually matches my walls. Ok, bummer. No matching sheets. Somehow, I was still disappointed. I can get just a touch OCD sometimes. I even had them check in the back to see if they had any more. Nope. Ok, whatever.

I came home and did all sorts of house and mom stuff. I’d had a long day and didn’t actually get the sheet on the bed until around 9:00pm. It ended up being a pretty perfect match to my wall.  After making the bed and getting ready for sleep, I pulled back the covers to get in. The semi-surprise and beauty of the blue color simply delighted me. It really is one of my favorite colors.

I was really sure in the store that I was disappointed. I was sure for hours that I was disappointed. Turns out, what the universe delivered actually delighted me. I felt that way all last night and all day today whenever I have seen it: delighted.

Sometimes we end up loving that thing we think we didn’t want.

Letting Ourselves Off the Hook

I have an event this weekend. I have a to do list in my head for what I THINK I need to do to be successful at this event.

I haven’t done any of the things on my mental to do list. I just don’t feel like it.

I’m playing with the discomfort I feel with not having done these things. I’m playing with the idea of instead, continuing to just do what is making me happy (currently, watching an inspirational YouTube video).

It’s so wild how conditioned we are to follow the shoulds instead of the bliss. My process of getting ready under the shoulds feels heavy and unenjoyable. What kind of result will that bring energetically? Fairly obvious.

I deeply know these things, and yet my conditioning (after years of unraveling it) STILL makes me think I need to follow these thoughts and shoulds.

What if, instead, watching these videos gives me some amazing insight. And also, doing what makes me happy and peaceful just creates a better vibe in me. I will serve so much better from a better vibe. It’s what we all want. It’s what I want. It’s what I am here to activate in other people.

I’m going to let go of the shoulds for the millionth time and do what pleases me. In the end, I may come back around to that list. It may look the same; it may look different. But I will be better. And that will make all the difference.

I invite you to take the time to care about making yourself happy. Take action from that place. What if we all did? Bless.

Thanksgiving

I’ve had a lot of demon sadness showing up this past week. I’ve felt it under the surface, and I have let it surface some.

The body remembers, and this was a hard time of year for me last year. There is also all the junk surrounding this holiday that brings sadness for many of us. Being thankful is something to celebrate. Our country’s history of thieving genocide that is still ongoing is in such sharp contrast to that.

I had plans today that felt special to me. My sweet son became ill, and we couldn’t go. We spent a quiet day at home. I mostly read. But there was some sadness still, under the surface. I have felt sad and sick a lot lately. Searching for the remedies. Doing my best to create happiness.

We have some steep stairs in our house. I have always been afraid that someone is going to take a tumble on them and really hurt themselves.

Tonight, I fell on the top of the stairs. My socks slipped and my feet flew out from under me. I bashed up my forearms and elbows and back. Miraculously, I landed on the stairs and only skidded down one or two instead of pummeling down the entire staircase. I scooted down the stairs on my butt until I got to the bottom and Zane came to see what happened.

I got upset that I had really damaged my body and it would take some time to heal it. And then I decided to not hold on to that idea and just send healing energy to the injured spots. Everything was still working.

Zane said, “what did you come down here for?”

I said, “ice cream.”

For some reason, we both laughed.

I didn’t want it anymore. I’m trying to remember what I was thinking when I tumbled. I like to pay attention to that sort of thing. But I can’t remember now. It was too shocking.

I went into the bathroom to get ready for bed, and the physical pain and shock overtook me. I began to really cry. Serious ugly sobs that helped to cleanse the sadness.

I had always been afraid of someone falling. And there, I had done it. And survived. Maybe I don’t need to be afraid anymore.

I went back upstairs after some hugs from Zane, feeling better for the catharsis. Did I need to fall down the stairs to let the tears of stress and sadness loose? I don’t know. But it did that, and it helped.

I had a “life is short, and I could die in my own house at any time” moment and so I decided to buy myself an ebook I wanted. It’s been good. It’s helping me focus on regaining my feminine power through embracing and creating pleasure.

That fall was a new beginning. I am grateful. And I am grateful for you. Bless.

Coffee Filters, Overwhelm, and The Real Truth

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This morning, it took me quite a few tries to extricate a coffee filter. For an incredibly long cinematic nanosecond, the fact that I kept trying with no progress began to make the situation feel impossible. How is it I cannot accomplish such a simple task? Have I not done this thousands of times? Obviously, I should be able to accomplish this.

Of course, in the end, I was victorious (Yay, me!). However, before that grand moment, I experienced situational angst that spread to the rest of my life. If I can’t accomplish this, how am I supposed to do the other bajillion things which are currently making me feel overwhelmed? Little things, like take care of a child, a house, a yard, and a business all on my own.

I spent a lot of time when I was younger spiraling down rabbit holes such as these. It can be quite the slippery slope. Since I have more experience and understanding now, I am generally able to nip it in the bud.

I don’t actually know where this is going next. I was just inspired to write about the experience because it felt somehow universal. I felt maybe someone out there might say, “Oh thank god, it’s not just me.” I could go on to write a tidy little list of what to do in these situations, but somehow that doesn’t feel totally authentic. I like to be authentic. So, I guess I will simply share what I did. I like to be simple, too.

I stopped it. First, I had to realize I was spiraling down. So, once I realized it, I stopped it. I took a breath. I witnessed my own thoughts. I asked myself if they were even true.

Am I really all alone? (No, even though it often feels that way.)

Do I REALLY need to accomplish the long list of things I wrote down on TODAY in my calendar? (No, indeed, I set those tasks and I can rearrange them. I can give myself a break.)

Do I have everything I need in this moment? (Yes)

Can everything work out? (Yes)

Am I doing so much better than I ever have before? (Yes, even though it doesn’t always seem that way to my critical mind.)

Am I really ok? (Yes.)

I “solved” the “problem” of the coffee filter by changing my normal tactic. It took a bit more time than usual (seriously, like 30 seconds). And another thing came up like that just a short while later, further underscoring this same analogy of life in microcosm.

Nothing is impossible. Stopping and regrouping can help. Changing tactics can help. Questioning our assumptions and thoughts can help. Some things take more time than we think they should. It’s ok. Time is irrelevant in the long run. Life has twists and turns. Things don’t always go as planned. It’s still ok to make a plan. It’s ok for Life to deviate. It’s often beautiful for Life to deviate. It’s all ok.

The Real Truth is always soothing. Allow That.

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The Evolution of My Work

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The Universe has been showing me for a while that I am not simply an astrologer. I am someone who brings my attention and presence to whatever is of importance to the person in front of me. And from there, I share whatever tool feels most relevant. Sometimes I am drawn to listen. Sometimes I get intuitive information or stories to share. Sometimes I am drawn to check their astrological chart for meaningful information. Sometimes it’s energy work or cards.

It seems when I try to just straight up interpret the chart from one bit to the next (even when people think they want that), a session just doesn’t have the meaning and heart that I have come to love in my sessions. It’s too much in the head. It doesn’t feel connected to the heart of the person in front of me.

Now, sometimes I have tried to just eschew astrology and act like I’m not going to use it. And then I often find it ends up being the perfect tool.

Life is so funny.

I have even thought… maybe I won’t do sessions anymore. Maybe something else is in my highest excitement. And my guides said… “Ummmm… no.” hahahahaha. Ok.

But the truth is that I need to do them from my highest excitement, which comes from meeting the soul in front of me in the NOW. It’s not about telling the future, although sometimes that happens. It’s not about preparation or ME having all the answers, although sometimes that happens. It’s about presence NOW to what matters NOW because that is all we have.

Inspired Action

“Nature never hurries, yet all is accomplished.” -Lao Tzu

I may be almost ready to do practical things again. I have been bored with practicality and shunning it because I couldn’t even. I haven’t even been posting here. I’m coming to terms with the possibility that my flow may not fit into any sort of “business model”.

I am often stuck between… am I mystic or an entrepreneur? I suppose I could be both. But the mystic doesn’t really feel drawn to “work”, if ya know what I mean. The human does feel drawn to being able to pay bills, even if not really interested in the actual system behind them. Hrmph. It does feel good to use my skills to be of service to other humans. I enjoy that.

I’m letting myself feel vulnerable here and just write from the heart, as I sometimes do on Facebook, but not usually here. It feels like perhaps there is something of value to this type of entry. We shall see. Shout outs to Inok Alrutz and Shanti Zimmerman for inspiring me more in this direction

I’m starting to feel better physically after a bout with Candida. I took an interesting route to healing. I only did what made me happy, whether it was a “cure” (like a sauna or essential oils) or just lying about watching videos or going out to eat instead of cooking.

I haven’t been following the candida diet, as I have always been urged to do religiously. But it felt like another prison. It felt overwhelming, which is part of what brings candida on. I read an entire book in the past few days, which is massive for me. Gabor Mate’s When the Body Says No. It’s all about how our repressed emotions cause our illnesses. So, I decided not to repress. Just let myself be. Exactly as I am. Breathing into that liberation.

I did slow way down on coffee and wine. But I didn’t completely stop because I don’t want to. I already knew coffee was the main “bad guy” for my system, and a friend’s muscle testing confirmed this. And my life seems to confirm this yet again. Oh coffee… I’m in love with the bad guy. Hahaha.

I’ve been super lethargic and just wanting to rest a lot. So, that’s what I’ve been doing. Maybe today some practical things will be done today. Time will tell. I’m doing this. Is it practical? I don’t know. I’m just doing it. Letting highest excitement and inspired action rule. I am learning more and more to trust that if I am not ready to do something, it will get done in it’s own time.

“Nature never hurries, yet all is accomplished.” -Lao Tzu

I love how when surrendering to inspired action, I am suddenly just doing something and it is often done before I even think about it. My body almost moves on its own accord. Ease and grace. And so it is. Bless.

Please share in the comments what your experiences are with inspired action. This is something I’m super passionate about and always experimenting with. I’d love to hear how it goes for you!

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