Self Love Story #248

It’s amazing when I pay attention to my thoughts how often I am still berating myself and witholding my own love and approval from myself. Witholding things I want or need from myself.

And I have been practicing self love and sacred selfishness for years! Undoing decades of conditioning. It doesn’t usually happen overnight. It’s a practice.

Whenever I catch it, I make it a point to soften and become gentle with myself. Release. Let go. Treat myself like a beloved child. Realize everything is ok. I’m doing fine. I can be kind to myself.

I invite you to pay attention with the intention to soften towards yourself as much as possible. Tell us what you find.

#selflove #Lovemyselfsomuch #248is random #notentirelyrandom

Connecting

I had a very special lover who had a beautiful way of connecting with me. We would communicate every day, though he was far away. He would always begin with a moment to feel into me from a distance. To feel my energy and connect. And then he would ask, “what is there for you today?”

This feels like a beautiful way to connect with each other. I feel very blessed to have had this experience for over a year. 

A Short Story of an Ordinary Miracle

The walls in my bedroom are blue to simulate this environment.
The walls in my bedroom are blue to simulate this environment.

Yesterday, I suddenly needed a new sheet for my bed. I just wanted to replace the sheet with the same thing because mine got a hole in it. So we went to the store, and those sheets were on sale! YAY!

They had every single sheet but the one I needed. The color that matched in my size of bed. Boooooo.

I was having that kind of day. (If I didn’t know better, I would have thought Mercury was retrograde.) All sorts of shit was blowing up and acting weird. I was pretty disappointed. There were 2 alternate colors I could get that would kind of coordinate, but not MATCH. I vacillated. I couldn’t decide. My son helped me decide to get the robin’s egg blue, which actually matches my walls. Ok, bummer. No matching sheets. Somehow, I was still disappointed. I can get just a touch OCD sometimes. I even had them check in the back to see if they had any more. Nope. Ok, whatever.

I came home and did all sorts of house and mom stuff. I’d had a long day and didn’t actually get the sheet on the bed until around 9:00pm. It ended up being a pretty perfect match to my wall.  After making the bed and getting ready for sleep, I pulled back the covers to get in. The semi-surprise and beauty of the blue color simply delighted me. It really is one of my favorite colors.

I was really sure in the store that I was disappointed. I was sure for hours that I was disappointed. Turns out, what the universe delivered actually delighted me. I felt that way all last night and all day today whenever I have seen it: delighted.

Sometimes we end up loving that thing we think we didn’t want.

Letting Ourselves Off the Hook

I have an event this weekend. I have a to do list in my head for what I THINK I need to do to be successful at this event.

I haven’t done any of the things on my mental to do list. I just don’t feel like it.

I’m playing with the discomfort I feel with not having done these things. I’m playing with the idea of instead, continuing to just do what is making me happy (currently, watching an inspirational YouTube video).

It’s so wild how conditioned we are to follow the shoulds instead of the bliss. My process of getting ready under the shoulds feels heavy and unenjoyable. What kind of result will that bring energetically? Fairly obvious.

I deeply know these things, and yet my conditioning (after years of unraveling it) STILL makes me think I need to follow these thoughts and shoulds.

What if, instead, watching these videos gives me some amazing insight. And also, doing what makes me happy and peaceful just creates a better vibe in me. I will serve so much better from a better vibe. It’s what we all want. It’s what I want. It’s what I am here to activate in other people.

I’m going to let go of the shoulds for the millionth time and do what pleases me. In the end, I may come back around to that list. It may look the same; it may look different. But I will be better. And that will make all the difference.

I invite you to take the time to care about making yourself happy. Take action from that place. What if we all did? Bless.

Thanksgiving

I’ve had a lot of demon sadness showing up this past week. I’ve felt it under the surface, and I have let it surface some.

The body remembers, and this was a hard time of year for me last year. There is also all the junk surrounding this holiday that brings sadness for many of us. Being thankful is something to celebrate. Our country’s history of thieving genocide that is still ongoing is in such sharp contrast to that.

I had plans today that felt special to me. My sweet son became ill, and we couldn’t go. We spent a quiet day at home. I mostly read. But there was some sadness still, under the surface. I have felt sad and sick a lot lately. Searching for the remedies. Doing my best to create happiness.

We have some steep stairs in our house. I have always been afraid that someone is going to take a tumble on them and really hurt themselves.

Tonight, I fell on the top of the stairs. My socks slipped and my feet flew out from under me. I bashed up my forearms and elbows and back. Miraculously, I landed on the stairs and only skidded down one or two instead of pummeling down the entire staircase. I scooted down the stairs on my butt until I got to the bottom and Zane came to see what happened.

I got upset that I had really damaged my body and it would take some time to heal it. And then I decided to not hold on to that idea and just send healing energy to the injured spots. Everything was still working.

Zane said, “what did you come down here for?”

I said, “ice cream.”

For some reason, we both laughed.

I didn’t want it anymore. I’m trying to remember what I was thinking when I tumbled. I like to pay attention to that sort of thing. But I can’t remember now. It was too shocking.

I went into the bathroom to get ready for bed, and the physical pain and shock overtook me. I began to really cry. Serious ugly sobs that helped to cleanse the sadness.

I had always been afraid of someone falling. And there, I had done it. And survived. Maybe I don’t need to be afraid anymore.

I went back upstairs after some hugs from Zane, feeling better for the catharsis. Did I need to fall down the stairs to let the tears of stress and sadness loose? I don’t know. But it did that, and it helped.

I had a “life is short, and I could die in my own house at any time” moment and so I decided to buy myself an ebook I wanted. It’s been good. It’s helping me focus on regaining my feminine power through embracing and creating pleasure.

That fall was a new beginning. I am grateful. And I am grateful for you. Bless.