Serena Portal

What do you most deeply long for?

I long to be true
to the longing of The One
within my own heart
in each now moment.

I long to be so porous
that the Divine Lover in All
shoots through me
in a brilliant ecstasy
or a quiet softness
or a delicious rage
or the happiness
of a bubbling brook.

I long to be free
in each moment
or perhaps… to realize it.
Because I AM.

I long to see more clearly
how the Beloved dotes on me
in every moment.
Not through one intimacy,
but through intimacy with the One
which can also come
through intimacy with one.

I long for Union.
Sweet delicious Union
that takes whatever form
the Divine chooses
in each moment.

A warm shower.
A nap.
A juicy watermelon.
A sweet, delicious caress.
A kiss.
A forest full of sun shining through trees
just for me.
Whatever is chosen for me
because it’s always so much grander
than what my mind would conceive.

I long to trust this Union,
to rest in it,
to allow
the beautiful spontaneity present
in the Heart of All
to use me
and use me
and use me.

I long to deepen deepen always all ways
my intimacy with This.
And laugh and sigh
while I experience the surprising
wonder of the world
unfold around and through me.

I am already This.
I am already what I most deeply long for.

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Jealousy has arrived

Jealousy has arrived.

It’s very primal.
It’s from the recesses of
the animal still inside of me.
I am threatened.

It’s very human.
I am threatened.
Someone is taking
what is MINE.

And what IS mine?

Babies almost always say “Da da”
before they say “Ma ma.”
They cannot give Mama a name
because they do not recognize her
as separate.

Babies know something.
Oneness.
Without a name,
there can be no mine
because all is me.

Lover,
I will endeavor
to keep a name from you
or perhaps give ALL names to you.
To free you
and me.

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The Feelings Come

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The feelings come.
They come
and they come
and they come.
How can so much come out of me?
Or maybe pass through me?

No one can possibly be
This Deep.
No one else can be as deep as I am.
No one else has ever had this experience.

And then I laugh.
I laugh heartily at myself through my tears
as I continue to release
what appears to be infinite.

It can’t be… Can it?
What if this never ends?
I’ve tried that game.
It’s a good one.
It showed me that everything unreal ends,
even if it appears it won’t.
And it might end sooner
if I don’t fight it.
Or happier. Or more peaceful.
Might.

Haven’t I been doing this for months?
How long do I have to do this, Beloved?
As long as it is here.
HOW long?
As long as it is here.

The Beloved tells me…
It is a great gift to let the Infinite
pass through.
Thank you.
It is a gift of
infinite flowerings.

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Danger

“The human heart is the most dangerous thing in the world.” -Osho

The master is inside your own heart.
I did not know the danger when I began.
(And thank God for small favors or I would not be here!)
So, I’m sorry for telling you this here.
Perhaps you should stop reading, but here goes…
I simply committed to following my heart.
In every way.
In every moment.

What happens then?
The heart takes us back to our Self.
The heart takes us back to our truth.
Everything else falls away.
Everything leaves.
Eventually
nothing but the desire to experience
Truth
Love
Freedom
Persists.

Consistency fades
Each moment is new
You no longer act in the ways you used to
Your loved ones may not recognize you
They may call you selfish
Or crazy
Or worse
They may leave you
You may leave them

This is a dangerous moment
What will happen at this moment?
Will you let them go?
Or let your own heart be betrayed?

You may lose all you thought you held dear.
Your things. Your home. Your family.
The life you knew.
Your own heart will take you to Truth
Daily deaths occur
as whatever is not truth falls away
Your floor might be dirty.
Your hair might be unkempt.
You might eat dark chocolate M&Ms for breakfast.
(I just did.)
You might be incredibly lenient with your children
You might let them play too many violent video games
and just float by in school
You stop caring about your punctuation and capitalization
(I’m starting to in this writing.)
because you realize
None of it matters!
The only thing that matters
Is the call of the heart
If your dirty floor does not call your heart
it can f*ck off and be dirty.

Nothing is the same
Life can be sparkly and new and beautiful
But forever
Different.
The human heart is the most dangerous thing in the world.
But I will tell you this…
It’s all worth it.

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Our True Selves

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When we cut the crap and really commit to our true selves, we open to a whole new world. Early on or later, we realize we need to open our hearts. It can be so scary. What on earth could be in there? I’ll cut to the chase.

Everything.
Everything is in there.
Everything in the whole freakin’ world.

Yes, there is love. And this is what will always be there. It may be on top of everything. It may be below everything. It is everywhere.

Oh, but there’s so much else in there! The whole freakin’ world!!!! And all the world is asking is to be welcomed when it comes. (As we all are.) All the world is asking is to be taken as it is, without interpretation, judgment, fear. (As we all are.) Just to be taken as it is. Welcomed.

So, we welcome our fears. We welcome our guilt, our judgments, our petty jealousies, along with our love and tenderness and gentleness. And it feels pretty good. Sometimes stretchy, sometimes achy, sometimes a little tender and raw. But ALIVE. And yes, full of Love.

Then one day, a question sneaks in… “I loved that guilt and that jealousy…why is it still here?” I don’t know. And another “How LONG do I have to love all this stuff?” As long as it is here.

What?

As long as it is here. As long as it is now. Welcome, Beloved. Welcome what comes. It is all the Beloved. It is all God. It is all our heart and the heart of all. There aren’t any answers. There aren’t any results. There isn’t any ending. The welcoming is all. The All is Love. There is no waiting. You are already there.

Welcome, Beloved. And when we allow this within our own hearts, it naturally begins to seep out into everyone we meet and everything we do. We realize our oneness. Welcome, Beloved. How does the world look when that is our response to all we encounter?

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Nothing is Happening

Nothing

We all go through times when it feels like nothing is happening. Nothing is moving forward. Nothing is resolving. The ego part of us can feel very, very uncomfortable at these times. “But I’m not DOING anything. I’m not making PROGRESS.”

There is an inky darkness. We can’t see two feet in front of us. We might know who is right next to us, but we might now. And we’re not sure if they’re staying.

On some level, we all know this time is pregnant with possibilities. Nothing is decided. ANYTHING can happen. It’s a grand adventure. It’s the stuff REAL LIFE is made of. But that small part of us says, “Nothing is decided! ANYTHING can happen!” It can be exhilarating or terrifying, and often is just that… both.

The question is, what do you do with the both? What do you do with the darkness? The “stuckness” (We’re never really stuck.) It IS pregnant with possibilities, but not just for “when things move forward”.

Right NOW is the possibility if we can see it. Can we, right now, say, “Wow… this is inky darkness. It’s kinda cool.” Or “I freakin’ hate this, but I’m not going to run from it.”

Or simply just stop.

And allow it all to be ok, because it really is. We are always sitting in the lap of God. There is a richness to meeting ourselves in the void if we can take it. It might be the only place we truly meet ourselves.

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