Category: Personal

I’ve had a lot of demon sadness showing up this past week. I’ve felt it under the surface, and I have let it surface some.

The body remembers, and this was a hard time of year for me last year. There is also all the junk surrounding this holiday that brings sadness for many of us. Being thankful is something to celebrate. Our country’s history of thieving genocide that is still ongoing is in such sharp contrast to that.

I had plans today that felt special to me. My sweet son became ill, and we couldn’t go. We spent a quiet day at home. I mostly read. But there was some sadness still, under the surface. I have felt sad and sick a lot lately. Searching for the remedies. Doing my best to create happiness.

We have some steep stairs in our house. I have always been afraid that someone is going to take a tumble on them and really hurt themselves.

Tonight, I fell on the top of the stairs. My socks slipped and my feet flew out from under me. I bashed up my forearms and elbows and back. Miraculously, I landed on the stairs and only skidded down one or two instead of pummeling down the entire staircase. I scooted down the stairs on my butt until I got to the bottom and Zane came to see what happened.

I got upset that I had really damaged my body and it would take some time to heal it. And then I decided to not hold on to that idea and just send healing energy to the injured spots. Everything was still working.

Zane said, “what did you come down here for?”

I said, “ice cream.”

For some reason, we both laughed.

I didn’t want it anymore. I’m trying to remember what I was thinking when I tumbled. I like to pay attention to that sort of thing. But I can’t remember now. It was too shocking.

I went into the bathroom to get ready for bed, and the physical pain and shock overtook me. I began to really cry. Serious ugly sobs that helped to cleanse the sadness.

I had always been afraid of someone falling. And there, I had done it. And survived. Maybe I don’t need to be afraid anymore.

I went back upstairs after some hugs from Zane, feeling better for the catharsis. Did I need to fall down the stairs to let the tears of stress and sadness loose? I don’t know. But it did that, and it helped.

I had a “life is short, and I could die in my own house at any time” moment and so I decided to buy myself an ebook I wanted. It’s been good. It’s helping me focus on regaining my feminine power through embracing and creating pleasure.

That fall was a new beginning. I am grateful. And I am grateful for you. Bless.

This morning, it took me quite a few tries to extricate a coffee filter. For an incredibly long cinematic nanosecond, the fact that I kept trying with no progress began to make the situation feel impossible. How is it I cannot accomplish such a simple task? Have I not done this thousands of times? Obviously, I should be able to accomplish this.

Of course, in the end, I was victorious (Yay, me!). However, before that grand moment, I experienced situational angst that spread to the rest of my life. If I can’t accomplish this, how am I supposed to do the other bajillion things which are currently making me feel overwhelmed? Little things, like take care of a child, a house, a yard, and a business all on my own.

I spent a lot of time when I was younger spiraling down rabbit holes such as these. It can be quite the slippery slope. Since I have more experience and understanding now, I am generally able to nip it in the bud.

I don’t actually know where this is going next. I was just inspired to write about the experience because it felt somehow universal. I felt maybe someone out there might say, “Oh thank god, it’s not just me.” I could go on to write a tidy little list of what to do in these situations, but somehow that doesn’t feel totally authentic. I like to be authentic. So, I guess I will simply share what I did. I like to be simple, too.

I stopped it. First, I had to realize I was spiraling down. So, once I realized it, I stopped it. I took a breath. I witnessed my own thoughts. I asked myself if they were even true.

Am I really all alone? (No, even though it often feels that way.)

Do I REALLY need to accomplish the long list of things I wrote down on TODAY in my calendar? (No, indeed, I set those tasks and I can rearrange them. I can give myself a break.)

Do I have everything I need in this moment? (Yes)

Can everything work out? (Yes)

Am I doing so much better than I ever have before? (Yes, even though it doesn’t always seem that way to my critical mind.)

Am I really ok? (Yes.)

I “solved” the “problem” of the coffee filter by changing my normal tactic. It took a bit more time than usual (seriously, like 30 seconds). And another thing came up like that just a short while later, further underscoring this same analogy of life in microcosm.

Nothing is impossible. Stopping and regrouping can help. Changing tactics can help. Questioning our assumptions and thoughts can help. Some things take more time than we think they should. It’s ok. Time is irrelevant in the long run. Life has twists and turns. Things don’t always go as planned. It’s still ok to make a plan. It’s ok for Life to deviate. It’s often beautiful for Life to deviate. It’s all ok.

The Real Truth is always soothing. Allow That.

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